Dear Diary,

Mommy spanked me today.

I thought I was old enough to shave now, so I took mommy's razor and tried to shave my butt with it, But I got poop all over the razor so I ran to mommy and asked her to lick it clean, but she just yelled at me, then took me over her knee and spanked me, then she shoved the razor up my butt!

I hate my mommy and wish she was dead.

Amen.

Love, Lawn

Dear Diary,

I got into a crappy situation today!

Yesterday, this punk, Abram stole my diary. And when I cornered him, this cowardly imbecile just committed suicide by shoving GIANT firework rocket inside his butthole, and then he blasted off and blew up in the sky! I got my diary back, and he's dead now! So I celebrated by stealing mommy's debit card and I used it to buy fifteen burritos and have my own taco night! But I wasn't able to finish all the burritos, so I tried to flush the last ten of them down the toilet, and then the toilet backed up! But this morning during school, the burritos started trying to come out. I got up from my desk and ran to the bathroom while holding my butt cheeks closed, but I was too late. It all just came out, loud and clear, echoing through the hallways! It was all liquid and running down my pant legs. Then before I could do, say, or even think anything, mommy came up behind me, grabbed me by my ankles and hung me upside down from the ceiling by my toes, where she whipped my butt with her belt like I was a pinata. She somehow found out about the burritos I bought, and the ten others I blatantly wasted. The crap was flowing down my back, through my hair, and onto the floor, and every time mommy spanked me, crap splattered all over the walls!

I know I said yesterday that I wished my mommy was dead, but I'm not just going to wish anymore. I'm going to make a plan and execute it tomorrow.

Amen.

Love, Lawn

Dear Diary,

Today is the day I'm going to kill my mommy.

My biggest challenge in killing mommy is that I need to dispose of her body without anyone seeing it. But I came up with a really cool plan that would kill her, and get rid of her body at the same time! I'll just burn the house down while she's asleep. So I pooped in the toilet and lit it on fire, but as I was running down the hallway away from the bathroom, the toilet exploded! There was a giant fire blocking mommy's bedroom door, there's no way she could possibly escape! So I ran outside, got on my lawnmower and drove away.

I did it, but I am now homeless. I'm just glad I don't have a mommy anymore, Mommies suck! For my first night, I'm going to sleep in my neighbor's back yard because she's an old hag and probably won't notice.

Amen.

Love, Lawn

Dear Diary,

My poopy butt was just put on public display today.

I woke up in the old lady's yard to see her standing over me with a belt. Before I could get up and run, she beat my butt really good in front of a group of pretty girls walking by outside the chain link fence! I called her a "******* ******* little *****" for this blatant public humiliation and she hung me upside down and backwards by my toenails from the gutter on the roof of her house, and took my pants away, and then left me there while my naked bruised butt was on display for the neighborhood to see! Later that day when I really needed to take a crap, there was already and audience on a balcony across the street, staring at my butt and giggling! I tried to escape so that I could use the bathroom, but I was too late. The crap forced itself through my butthole in clear as day sight in front of everyone, and they all laughed at me!

As soon as I escape, I'm going to burn down the entire neighborhood!

Amen.

Love, Lawn